long overdue


i’m not sure where along this road i started getting so lucky with friends. upon going to high school i had to split from almost every friend i had because of zoning. at this new school i remember being told about how freshman were considered “wall huggers” which i thought was silly until the first week of school happened, and i meekly walked from class to class with my shoulder grazing the red tiles of the hallway walls. everyone seemed huge. like how kids picture medieval times before they go back all grown up. the halls were huge. the kids were huge. and i had no friends.


just as summer was starting after sophomore year, i had a lucky break. i had been the kid who could hang out with every group. i could jump from table to table in the lunchroom and sit at a new desk in each class and be able to joke with the person next to me, but after volleyball practice i headed home and hung out with my parents every night, all night. everything happened on one night. twist of fate. i was hanging out with two friends from class and they got invited to see a movie and said i could tag along if i wanted. of course i said yes. i had nothing else to do. it was time to go to the movie and they both backed out. boy trouble i think. i decided to still go because i knew i would know one girl. when i showed up, the entire row of twenty something seats were filled with the group i would be friends with for the next 7 years. i still love all of them. i really don’t know how i would have turned out without them.

in college it is more like my early years of high school. i have friends in all different groups and interests. through work, school, being around lawrence for too long. it’s amazing how people can be so different whereas in high school you all want to be the same. or at least not stand out too much. in college, standing out it seems is what everyone is aiming for. not necessarily for the attention of others, but subsequent to trying to become who you want to become. unabashed drive to do things.

there’s a forward motion to it. it’s exciting. adventurous even.

a few days ago i went to a going away party for my good friend stu. he has a plan to canoe down the Mississippi river to raise money for his uncle with cancer. he’s been fixing up his boat for months just for this trip, and has been working on relations with the american cancer society. his party was also part photography gallery, too. 60 self portraits. he’s been working on this project for 2 years now. he went around his house explaining each picture, listening to the stories behind them. i had even been present in some of the stories. there’s a picture of stu sitting in a small dark tunnel. one night my sophomore year of college, stu broke his wrist falling 20 feet into a sewer opening. we had been trying to get into allen field house through the underground tunnels. what a crazy night. matt and i stayed up until morning with him eating pizza while the drugs wore off, laughing about his unconscious flirtations with the nurses.

i have the best friends.


counting down again

three more days until my roommates leave for Siena, Italy. I am jealous beyond measure. mostly because I want to traipse around barcelona and paris and florence with them and sketch things in charcoal and dance in boites de nuit and barcelona music festivals with my girls.


lawrence is going to be wonderful, though. I’m not worried. I’m visiting home for a week in june for one of my favorite people’s bachelorette party & wedding! I’m super excited for the dancing that will occur, for the people who are coming directly reflect our high school prom group, and that was one of the best nights of my life. It began with sixpence none the richer on the radio with my favorite song kiss me, a perfect beginning. On the dance floor Monica ridgeway approached our dancing mass exclaiming she was jealous because of how much fun we looked like we were having. Nobody dancing with their date, all hands in the air and quinn using his best moves looking exactly like napoleon dynamite without trying at all. a pinnacle high school moment.

I hope it is the same at the wedding except with kirby and steen in the middle of the floor.

i woke up this morning and started designing the invitations to her panty party 🙂 can’t wait.


dfw

The really important kind of freedom involves attention and awareness and discipline, and being able truly to care about other people and to sacrifice for them over and over in myriad petty, unsexy ways every day. That is real freedom. That is being educated, and understanding how to think. The alternative is unconsciousness, the default setting, the rat race, the constant gnawing sense of having had, and lost, some infinite thing.



My roommate and I had a really good talk tonight about rusty subjects. An old baptist preacher who kept me from blinking. Teenagers with so much power they were never away of. I’m so glad high school is over, but is it? I used to do things for different reasons—for God because of friends, for friends because of God. Every thought in my brain these days is about my future. My insecurities and intimidations with the real world. i like where dfw writes that the opposite of freedom is that feeling “of having had, and lost some infinite thing”. In the vaguest way that’s exactly how I feel. Because I’m not even sure what I lost. I just know I don’t have it anymore.


I wish I could be a better friend. For the people I love I will always be there for you. But its a two way street, and the wall I built got too big somewhere along the road. I’ve been listening to a lot of Neko Case since it got warmer.

Baby, why’m I worried now,
Did someone make a fool of me
‘Fore I could show ’em how it’s done?
Can’t give up actin’ tough,
It’s all that I’m made of.
Can’t scrape together quite enough
To ride the bus to the outskirts
Of the fact that I need love.


creeks


I just finished watching my favorite Dawson’s Creek episode. The one where Pacey and Joey get locked into the big Kmart store, and have to use the Pj’s and toothbrushes from the shelves, get to watch movies on the plethora of tv’s agains the wall and, at the end of the night, share a sleeping bag on turf next to a tent and fake grill. I could watch Dawson’s Creek from the first episode to the last, over and over until there are too many scratches and it gets too frustrating to try and fast forward through the glitches.


Aside from Dawson’s Creek, there are not many lovey dovey things I like these days. I’m not sure how I switched to heartbreaker and how it stuck so well, but I think it’s good for the time being. I prefer Lone Ranger, anyway. I even had to stop reading a book this spring break, for fear I might vom on its public library pages and have to pay a fee for such a terrible book. But then my diet coke exploded on it so I guess fate has its own intentions. I picked it exclusively because the cover was wonderful. Judging covers and recommendations are my two best book reading strategies, and this was the first time judging the cover has let me down.


Sadly, it was also the only other book I’d brought with me on spring break to Alabama. My whole plan for the break was to read a pile of books and make the perfect bloody mary from scratch. I ended up reading one book and had only one bloody mary from a mix. fail. I did get to do a bunch of other things I was looking forward to, though. Because Spence came, my friend from high school and good family friend, we got to take the boat out!


With my parents having met through sailing, I’ve always had a respect for boats, and docks and anything marine related, but it has also created a huge dependence on my dad, the captain. It was only this past summer that I finally had my first sailing lesson. And though I’ve seen my dad take out hundreds of boats, motor and sail alike, I had never been captain. I surprised myself this week. I remembered the bay as if I’d grown up there; Pirate’s Cove—the best chicken strips and onion rings—west down the Intercoastal, Sand Island—a natural erosion phenomenon perfect for sand boarding—east down the Intercoastal, minutes after the giant bridge and 30 minute No Wake Zone. I navigated our way through the channels as if they were the streets of my old hometown neighborhood. While fishing in the posted area, everyone cast out their lines and I took the wheel. Someone would get a bite and the fish would take off hook-in-mouth. Like hunters I steered the boat to loosen the slack, and the fisherman reeled in the line. We tried our best to tire the fish, but each time the line broke, and our dinner swam off with a free shrimp dinner. Better luck next year..


We only got lost once but after remedying my rusty directional judgement, we ended up making it to “secret beach”, pulling the boat onto the sand from the bay and running over to the other side of the strip to confront the ocean. We laid down towels, and turned on Real Estate as the boys ran off to amuse themselves with the waves, a guitar or the football. Ferrell and I sat on the towels eating chips and pineapple with sandy hands, taking pictures of each other with our analog cameras while the verse sang about the same beach we were synchronously making our own.


I think that was my favorite episode from last week.


I’ll post pictures after they’re developed Saturday!

good morning


This morning was one of the good ones. I had to wake up early to drop Lindsey off at work, but I like saving her. I went back home and slept more, burying under my comforter to block the bright overcast skies that were somehow filling my room with bright. I woke up finally after hearing the campanile, but didn’t move until I counted the gongs to figure out what time it was. I thought about how that’s how they would have done it in the old days instead of looking at their cell phones. I cooked my veggies with curry powder and toasted some Wheatfields bread I got from Veggie Lunch on thursday. I sat down in the living room and put on the Bob Dylan record I got in Germany and hadn’t listened to yet. Man it was good. It was a tiny bit warped so I set a penny on the needle and fixed—I love the cracks and sounds of vinyl. The next record in the lineup was Cream’s Once Upon a Time.


I have loved Cream ever since listening to them on family road trips to Alabama. I don’t love all the music my dad made us listen to, but nothing says Koelling road trip like Cream, Queen, and Barry White. After Cream, Ferrell had woken up and Aaron had walked over out of unadulterated boredom, and the record was changed to Dan Fogelberg. What a man. Dan Fogelberg is the man Ferrell’s dad listened to on family road trips to colorado. The record is actually Trent’s, Ferrell’s brother. Though Trent is what some call a “music elitist” he is not immune to listening to the family road trip bands either. Listening to these bands on vinyl, I can’t help but imagine that 30 years ago on a similar Sunday morning in college my dad would have had the same routine: waking up a little hungover, putting on his favorite Cream album and starting some homework.

Now I’m listening to Real Estate. I like it more every time I listen to it.




what babes.

adequacy

Lately I’ve felt weird. I think it is probably just symptoms of Senioritis, but I feel like I’ve been tested this semester with adequacy issues. First off, this semester I have my internship at a design firm in Kansas City. I know I’ve been doing this design jig for 4 years almost, but every week I still enter the building slightly intimidated. Not to mention, because of this “real life” transitioning I’ve needed to transition into a more professional look, i.e. business casual. This has really taken a toll on my Sanrio collection. Kidding, but seriously.. I used to have no problem shopping and finding things that I loved, and made people say “that’s so you” or “only you could pull that off that well.” Probably because they though my outfits were like a crazy person’s, but still! I had a style. A statement. Now I’m buying blazers and lacy tops, but only if Ferrell gives me the OK. I can’t help but think I peaked in High School in the “having everything together” category.


I also just started a job on Mass at ACME (hot and fresh t-shirts made to order!) I have the subliminal messaging down, but I’m still going through training with customers and pressing shirts, and whatnot. I don’t know why I give myself the expectations of starting off knowing everything. It’s never going to happen. This is also an issue in my french class right now. I have a hard time speaking up if I’m not 100% sure I’m right. Where did all this pride come from?

Now I’m about to graduate. I have to think of a life plan in order to answer everyone’s questions about my future. I have no idea what I want to do, where I want to go, who I want to be. My only certainty is wanting to do Peace Corps which is not even guaranteed, and actually extremely competitive. bah. HOW am I already almost finished with college? I swear I just started..

And Lindsey keeps hassling me about really wanting to be my bridesmaid..
doppelgangers

Some week ago on facebook it was doppelganger week. My roommate, Ferrell, doesn’t think she looks like anyone, but I think I may have just stumbled upon her look-alike.




















..Jealous. Especially since my closest look-alikes are dakota fanning, her sister elle, darma, julie andrews, or cindy lou hoo. None of whom could pull off a leather and metal battle ensemble.
film review

Top foreign films I’ve recently watched:


La Vie en Rose
french
True story of Edith Piaf! A wonderful french singer with a life and a voice that gives you goosebumps. It was a great movie, but I couldn’t help but get frustrated with the different circumstances she was faced with. But how can you argue with a true story.. Great movie, great music! I definitely recommend this one!

The Edukators
german
So awesome! Easily one of my new favorite movies. Condemning and inspiring at the same time, 3 twenty somethings take it upon themselves to break into wealthy people’s houses, move things around and leave messages. They are always looking back at the revolutionaries from the 60’s and wondering why people never stand up for things anymore. One of their gigs goes wrong, and it turns out to be a wake up call. Great movie!

Le Premier Jour du Reste de Ta Vie
french
The American title for this movie is: The First Day of the Rest of Your Life. It’s a great story about a dysfunctional family going through the usual struggles; midlife crises, sibling rivalries, romance and growing up generalities. The youngest son also happens to be the cutest boy with a ponytail that I have ever seen. And he does air guitar competitions.


Love in Thoughts
german
This story is very romantic, very poetic and very messed up. The setting is Germany in the 20’s, and Daniel BrĂĽhl (LOVE HIM) plays a young college poet, Paul, who falls in love with the sister of his best friend, GĂĽnther. GĂĽnther is gay, and his sister, Hilde, is wild and flirty, and has no desire for love and relationships. So she says. It turns out that GĂĽnther and his sister Hilde are both in love with the same man. Oh Snap! This movie is dark, and romantic, and worth a watch just for the ending, if not just because Daniel Bruhl is in it..

Buddy
norwegian
The main character, Kristoffer, is never without his video camera. Him and his best friend do crazy stunts like the Johnny Knoxville Show, and his roommate has an irrational fear of leaving the apartment complex. During one of their stunts, the security guards in the TV2 station catch them jumping out the multiple story window into the bin where TV2 had been throwing out foam insulation pads. Kristoffer drops a few tapes on his desperate sprint out. It’s a cute and romantic movie because of how pathetic he is with relationships, but I more so enjoyed the relationship between him and his best friend and his scared roommate, Stig Inge. Not life changing, but fun to watch.

mal organisée


I think I’m scared of writing because it makes me organize the thoughts in my head. Thus the long hiatus.


It’s not that things aren’t happening in my life. Quite the contrary—the world is turning, the snow is melting, finally. I’ve started my internship at Willoughby, which has really changed my views on working for a design firm in the future. I’ve been losing sleep over what to do with my life after I graduate. My grandparents and my parents are always asking what my plans are, and its just so easy to tell them what they want to hear. “Oh, you know, just going to stay in the safe mid-west, work for a big secure design firm and settle down as far away from Africa as I can.” Blah. Lets make a list of my least desirable life course:


1:settling down
2:not being in Africa
3:getting a real job right after I graduate

The thought of staying places that are considered “safe” is not my main priority when I think of what I wan’t to do with my life. It’s not that I’m reckless or not educated about all the dangers that exist in foreign countries. Life isn’t about always wanting to feel safe, or comfortable. I want to throw myself into situations that I’m completely unprepared for. I want to learn the unordinary life lessons and come out with stories I’m still telling when I’m 80. I want to get rid of the romantic views of foreign places that I’ve filled my head with from Hollywood, Disney movies and saturated Travel Channel vignettes. I want to meet real people, and see real places—the good and the bad. And hopefully along the way do some good.

People are so scared of everything. Oscar Wao said it best, “Fear is the mind killer.” Fear keeps people from moving forward and changing anything. I’m not going to promise to stay in America, or not travel alone, or not talk to strangers, or not hitchhike. I will. I already have. And I’m going to keep doing it until I’m old and wrinkly, and people can look in my eyes and know that I’ve been places, and see my hands and know that I’ve done a lifetime of work.

Get out of my head scared-y cats! I’m GOING to live in Africa. I’m GOING to help people who need it no matter where they are, and I’m GOING to be alright without a “real job”. But for now I’ll keep lying because it’s just so much easier.